Current mood:

pensive

a long one...
I've lost a blog. Actually, I’ve lost two blogs… in two weeks. In the midst of posting them, they somehow fell into a MySpace abyss and haven’t been seen since. Both times, I immediately contemplated retyping them. That feeling quickly passed. I’m like a pressure cooker. Life happens and the pot is filled. Things heat up. I feel things a little too deeply and overanalyze everything… pressure builds. I blow off a little steam and VOILA! Ham and beans!! Or something like that…. Once that steam is gone though, I can’t get it back. Blogging a blog I’d already blogged while trying to capture the original feeling behind it would’ve never worked anyway. Then again... maybe the stuff I was putting out there wasn't meant to be out there. In that case, everything happens for a reason. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been in some sort of a pensive funk lately. Let me just state for the record that PENSIVE and FUNK aren’t meant to go together. Ever. Know that.



As most of you know by now, I’m not a talker. I’m a little shy…used to be A LOT shy… endured a lengthy, controlling relationship where learning to keep feelings/opinions to myself was a must. (Don’t ask. I was an idiot back then.) Anything written,… Cards, letters, emails, texts, etc. are my best forms of communication. I don’t know why, it’s just how I’m wired. A couple of weeks ago, someone who should know me pretty well, someone I thought understood me, someone who had just read an lengthy email I’d sent them actually said to me, “Your words mean nothing to me. They’re just words… words on a piece of paper.” NICE. Thanks for that. I’ll know not to try so hard where you’re concerned from now on.



The day before Thanksgiving a good friend of mine was almost killed in a motorcycle accident and has been fighting for his life since in ICU. When I first caught wind of the accident, I didn’t even investigate further. Now, I feel terrible for just assuming that he’d be fine and going on with my life. Since then, I’ve gathered all the details and… well… Jason’s good people, and what’s happened to him is anything BUT good. The holidays are just around the corner and he has small children… small children that mean the world to him. There’s an entire group of us that have been keeping an online vigil of sorts and waiting on the edge of our seats for updates on his condition, and… the last one wasn’t as positive as we’d been hoping for. These are the times that I wish I weren’t a nurse, that I wish I didn’t understand everything that’s going on with him right now. I fix people, FOR A LIVING, and now… now I just feel so damn helpless.



I worked Thanksgiving, which… I guess if I had any other job in the world, working Thanksgiving would be ICKY. Not my job. We had visitors at the house the night before, and then I was up until after midnight baking pies. Some were to share with my co-workers the next day; some to take to Daddy’s house on Thanksgiving night. In my overly tired rush to get out the door @ 5:30am Thanksgiving morning… I left all the pies on the kitchen table. Upon arriving to work at 6am, I loved every wrinkled face around the nurses’ station (kisses on cheeks, Good mornings and Happy Thanksgivings all around) that happened to already be up that early. That’s also around the time that I realized that I’d forgotten the pies. Sonofa! So I was working, and loving faces, and working, and I don’t know what came over me, but by 9am… I was in TEARS. With anyone else this would probably be cause for alarm, but for those that know me, it happens. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong, and it was all so odd… I had NO CLUE. I mean… I had a lot going around and around in my head, but nothing that I could pin point I guess.



My boys were already back home with their family and had been since Tuesday. I was heading home that night to see Daddy and his family. Mom and my boys were joining us all at Daddy’s Friday for more food and family. It had been months since I’d spent time with Mom and Dad, so I think I was just overly excited. My sister was in the Navy Reserve for a while, but enlisted full service about a year ago. She’s in Virginia now, and even though we’ve NEVER gotten along (we’re polar opposites), I was saddened by the realization that this would be the first time that she wouldn’t be home for the holidays. I was angry with some of my residents’ families… people were showing up to see my old folks, people I’d never seen before! I’ve worked there for over a year… where the fuck have all of these people been all of that time?? The only come visit on the holidays?!? Sometimes I feel like the only “family” most of those people have, and I love them each as if they were… even the old cranky ones… yet people were just appearing out of nowhere. That’s also about the time the text messages from some of Those Girls started rolling in… “I am thankful for you.” You girls know better! That sappy shit tears me up!! Little things, like… I’d forgotten the pies on top of some other things I’ve been stressing about lately, and the fact that I was tired (I’ve been known to cry ONLY because I’m tired – with absolutely nothing else going on, lol), I was a mess! *shaking head*



I made it to Daddy’s house Thanksgiving evening and… it was just wonderful. Hanging out with Daddy and uncle Bob (Dad’s twin brother) is always a good time. I love watching them together. My father’s not always been the healthiest of individuals, and just like a chick, I’ve always been scared that 1) something terrible would happen and I wouldn’t have him around anymore, and 2) something terrible would happen and I wouldn’t have him to give me away – you know… should I ever need him to. It’s always been a bit comforting to know that if anything ever happened to him though, that although I’d be devastated, I kind of have a Backup Daddy should I ever need one. They haven’t always gotten along either, and it seems that the older they get, the more time they spend together – kind of like my sister and I, I guess. With me already being in an emotional state that day, recent occurrences, etc… seeing them together was well… bittersweet. Which led me to, "Daddy... I know you and uncle Bob are a little old to still be having your picture made together and all, but get your ass over here and hold still anyway."

http://www.tinalu.com/MySpace/11-24-05_2111.jpg


The next day, Mom picked up my boys from their family’s house and came out to Daddy’s as well. My parents have always had an odd relationship. They’ve been divorced since I was 7 and my sister was 3, yet… they’ve always gotten along. I used to think it was all a put on for my sister and I, until I ended up in the same situation with my boys’ dad. (TANGENT) We’re friends. It was odd at first, and on more than one occasion, tempers flared and names were called. Since then though… what’s the point in hating him simply because he’s an ex? Neither of us still wants to be with the other. We were together originally because we both thought the other was good people. We can’t continue to be good people now that we’re not together? We understand that we weren’t going to work, why dwell on the fact that we didn’t? Why fight for the sake of fighting? We’ve gotten along for years now and can sit and talk about anything, and the boys know that they can talk to either of US about anything as well. It works… much like Mom and Dad. (END TANGENT, lol) That’s how Mom and Dad have always been. When Mom wasn’t with anyone, Dad and his ex-wife used to invite Mom and grandma over for the holidays so they (Mom & Dad) could both be with my sister and I on the holidays and so Mom wouldn’t be alone. It was good spending time with Mom too, although the more I ate the more I slept, so I didn’t get as much time with her as I could’ve had I been able to stay awake, lol.



Friday night on the road trip home from Daddy’s, I found out that one of my good friend’s mother passed away on Thanksgiving. We all knew that it was coming and she’d been very sick for a quite while now, but that fact that she was actually gone now, and well… on Thanksgiving? I’ve been pretty upset about it since and stuck in that “wanting to do something, but there’s nothing that I can do” phase since. She’s such a good person. Since meeting her, I’ve wanted nothing but the best for her. This goes far beyond just wanting her to be OK… I NEED her to be OK. She and Jason have been in my thoughts almost continually lately. Between what’s happened to the both of them, I sometimes feel guilty about letting everyday stuff get me down.



Everyday stuff like... I coulda been at the Keith Urban concert last night, if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve turned miserly. I’ve stopped ordering out as much for lunch at work. I’ve been trying to spend less on bowling nights, ie: unnecessary beer, and even lopped off a bowling night or two in favor of letting the sub bowl instead. Why? Just trying to be a little more responsible with funds lately. (That… and I just spent over $600 having freeze plugs and my radiator fixed – wtf are freeze plugs???) I could’ve afforded the tickets, but I’m a spoiled bitch. I hafta be close, or somewhere that resembles close, or it’s just not worth going. I’m picky about when I buy tickets and where those tickets are. I’d even asked Melissa if she wanted to join me, she agreed, game on… right? My plan was to join the fan club while ordering the tickets (yeah, that’s the sort of thing I do), since I’d planned on joining his fan club eventually anyway, but I dunno…I had the Ticket Master page right in front of me, debit card in hand, and decided against even going at all. No specific reason, I just suddenly thought to myself that I didn’t NEED to go, and well… not to sound too “out there” or anything, but I’ve had enough feelings recently that I haven’t gone with that I wish I had, so… I went with it. Hearing all of the radio commercials beforehand, loving the music… then deciding not to go for a reason that even I didn’t know? Yet, I was suddenly OK with not going. (And yes… even I realize how insane that sounds.)



Now… on to the Christmas gift idea that somehow went horribly wrong (somewhere between the giver and receiver)… I STILL coulda been at the Keith Urban show last night. How? On the way to Daddy’s house on Thanksgiving, out of nowhere, I was questioned about when the Keith show was again. Thanksgiving was the 24th. Keith was last night, the 2nd. That’s eight days & the tickets had been on sale for months. Thanksgiving evening, I checked my phone to find a voice mail from Linc’s sister. She says that “they’d” heard that I wanted to go to the Keith Urban concert, and that she’d also been wanting to go, so Linc’s dad would buy tickets as a Christmas gift, so I should call her back if I wanted to go. When I bring it up that his sister called, he said, “Oh yeah, what’d she want?” He knew damn well what she wanted; I love it when they play dumb.



I said, “She wanted to know if I wanted to go to the Keith Urban concert.”



“You going?”



“Probably not.”



“WHAT?!”



So I START to explain that I originally wanted to go, but after deciding not to, that I just wasn’t that excited about it anymore, etc… He cut me off.



“I thought you’d be excited. Dad's come a long way. He would’ve never thought to do something like that like that for us. Just don’t fucking go.”



At that point, I’m thinking… WTF JUST HAPPENED HERE? All he knew is that I was turning down a gift from his dad, that I was turning down spending time with his sister and he was pissed. Never mind the fact that at that point, I’d have turned down the idea even if Melissa had brought it up. I totally dig his family. His dad is a great guy and his sister is one of the sweetest people on earth. This had absolutely nothing to do with them.



There I sat pissed that he was pissed. This was MY “gift.” That's when my doormat tendencies kicked in… even though the tix had been on sale for months… even though Keith had won Entertainer of the Year since the tickets had gone on sale and I personally heard the DJ of the country station I listen to SAY JUST A DAY BEFORE, that if people wanted to go to the show, they’d better get the tix ASAP because anything decent was going fast, I WAS STILL THINKING OF GOING! Why? Not because I wanted to, but because I’m the kind of person that makes things easy on other people. I want people to be happy even if I’m not. To me, it was easier to just say that I’d go and make he, his sister, and his father happy, than NOT to go and have him pissed at me. Besides... it's Keith! How bad could it be?! Haha... At this point, we’re in the car and had just left Daddy’s, which meant that there was another 1.5 hours of driving time left. At one point, I’m staring out the window and dwelling as I do. Since I’m not the greatest verbal communicator, especially when I’m hurt, I pretty much have to go over and over everything in my head and come up with some sort of script. Otherwise I open my mouth to express my angst and nothing comes out. Sounds crazy, I know. But, it works. In my head the script looks like one of those problem-solving tables. “Do you have stomach pain?” If YES à blah blah blah. If NO à blah blah blah. I’m thinking, “I’m gonna say… this. And if he says this, I’ll say that. If he says that, I’ll say this.” Yeah… I already know I’m dysfunctional… AND? I have to think about this shit!! Just as I finalize my script and turn to tell him about himself… I notice he’s playing with his phone. AS I SAY, “Ya know… I wish you wouldn’t get as pissy with me as you do, as EASILY as you do…” I was prepared to go on and say, “You didn’t even let me explain WHY I don’t want to go, you just got pissed at me and that was that.” I never got that far. The next thing I remember thinking was, “Is that motherfucker DIALING?” I watched in astonishment and yep, the next thing I heard were hunting plans being made for the weekend. Okay… I THOUGHT I was talking… hell… maybe I was just thinking? NO… I’M PRETTY FUCKING SURE I WAS TALKING!! That’s the moment that the going to show just to make him happy idea flew right out the window. He wasn't guilting me into shit. After he got off the phone, I waited for him to say something... anything. I know he heard me. At that point, I'd have been happy with a sarcastic, "I'm sorry. Did you say something?" What'd I get? Nothing. Sweet! He wasn't talking to me either and only another hour to go!… GOOD TIMES.



I finally DID tell him about himself that/last weekend… when my lividity dropped to a level that allowed me to speak to him again. I tried to explain that after he chose to talk on the phone instead of listening to me discuss how I felt, I wasn't even upset about the concert situation anymore, instead I was hurt that me discussing how I felt apparently wasn't important. I still don’t think he gets it though, which means that in the grand scheme of things... I wigged out for nothing. Again. *shrugging*



So, anyway… TO MY FRIENDS: Should I seem a bit “out there” lately, or not as talkative, etc... I’m sorry. Between the old stuff I had going on, ie: younger son and his school stuff, and recent stuff... stuff I've discussed here and more that I haven't, I’ve just had a lot on my mind. Have I mentioned that my 13 yr. old is now questioning the existence of God? LMAO… Yeaaaaaaah.



Love you all,
Lu