The TinaLu Show - October 1st, 2005
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01:35 am
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Because I have nothing better going on right now...
I was gonna change up the order of my Friends List… you know, use that new Top 8 feature? I started looking through my list of folks when it hit me: What happens when I put my Top 8 friends in the Top 8 positions and then one of you comes along thinking that you belong in the Top 8, but you’re not? Then your feelings are all hurt and shit because you really thought you were in and you’ve just found out that you’re not quite as in as you thought you were. Really… I don’t need that kind of pressure. Therefore, you’re all staying just where you are. Got it?
Or maybe I’ll just go pick out people I’d love to be close friends with to fill those Top 8 positions… I bet Lionel would love to be at that top of my list.
I’ve been at my current job for over a year now… Yay. (I guess.) I'm not fond of the weekends I have to work, but it's not a bad gig. My eval went well. I’m hoping the yearly raise will go just as well. *fingers crossed*
While watching the 100 Greatest Duets special on CMT the other night, I once again realized that ½ of Montgomery Gentry pisses me off. I almost took the time to Google his name for ya’s, until I decided that I can’t bring myself to get THAT concerned. He’s not the dark-haired one w/ the pretty teeth who always has a guitar, but the other one. The bigger one who’s always holding/twirling/carrying around the mic stand? His voice isn’t THAT great, the other guy sings more than he does. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with an instrument. In place of said instrument though, he just uses the mic stand as a prop. He needs to stop carrying it around, stop holding it out over the audience, stop dancing with it. Speaking of which… how the hell is this guy even able to find the rhythm in the music enough to sing along when he obviously can’t find it enough to NOT look like a tard while strutting around with a mic stand? Ugh… and twirling it, he’s always twirling it! Stop twirling it!! Or better yet… JUST PUT IT DOWN, FUCKER.
I have a “thing” for cloud formations. My head’s always in the clouds. They make me think – not always a good thing. (I’ve been a member of the School of Avoidance for a while now. If I don’t acknowledge that something is actually a problem, there IS no problem, and therefore nothing for me to “fix.”) If there were a channel that did nothing but broadcast the skies going by all day, I’d probably be the only idiot to watch. (Although… at night, they’d need to broadcast lightening storms. All that thunder via surround sound? Yeahhhhhhhh. If any of you steal this idea to start a new channel, I’d better get a cut or I’m SUING! Haha!) Anyway… With the deck STILL incomplete (long story), most times I’m left to watch the clouds go by from my own tiny world on the front step. It’s quiet there. That’s my time. That’s when I work on me. No one’s calling for a nurse. No one’s yelling for their mother. That’s where I dwell on bad days and reflect on good ones. That’s where I overanalyze stuff one day, and dream about anything and everything the next. That’s where I cry and take it all personally one day, and find a way to change the world the next. Ya never know… I might. Maybe it’ll just be my world, but it could be yours too. That state of mind quickly changes though when you find yourself looking back through the clouds at your world. One minute you’re completely self-absorbed, lost in your own thoughts, sitting alongside 120 other self-absorbed folks who couldn’t care less about you either. And then…
http://www.tinalu.com/MySpace/clouds.jpg
http://www.tinalu.com/MySpace/mountains.jpg
…all that stuff you’ve been dwelling on? Not quite as important anymore when you’re feeling all tiny and insignificant, eh?? Makes me glad that I usually travel alone. Although I’m sure that would be a great moment to share with someone, I’m such a sap that I prefer to have my emotional epiphanies alone, rather end up looking like a crybaby in front of someone and ending up trying to EXPLAIN why I’m crying like an idiot.
Speaking of… This has been a fun topic in my life lately. Did you all know that I don’t talk about stuff? Everyday stuff? Yeah. How I feel? Nope. I just... can’t. I don’t ever feel like the words I’ve chosen to convey how I’m feeling gives those feelings a proper voice. I mumble, and laugh, and cry, and stutter, and that’s only when I can get passed standing there staring at whoever I'm with while trying to remember to breathe… Staring at you as if I have absolutely nothing to say… when in reality, I’ve got so much I’d love to say that I don’t even know where to start, or how to get any of it out. My entire life there have been people who’ve thought that they could “fix” me… people who’ve thought that they could MAKE me talk about stuff. I get aggravated enough with myself about this without someone constantly saying, “Why won’t you just talk to me?!” Stop trying to fix me. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just how I’m wired. I can talk to a couple of girl friends about *just about* everything, but everyone else is pretty much shit outta luck. I’ve found my ways to get stuff "out." I’d journal, but that shit never stays private. Someone… somewhere… at some point is gonna find it and my entire life would be on display for some random friend or family member. Maybe I’ll be dead and gone by that point, but what if I’m not? I don’t want to have to explain the things I’ve done and still do for ME, for my reasons, to anyone now or 50 years from now. I blog. I also know that you “talkers” don’t really understand us “bloggers.” And by not understand, I mean, “You’ll take the time to type for hours about the stuff you have scribbled on this piece of paper, and then post that stuff online, but you won’t talk to me about it?” “Yeah, pretty much.” All you have to understand is that, yeah… the blogging is usually public, but it’s not FOR the public, it’s for me. The funny part is that after I’ve either blogged or just wrote down how I feel… I can talk about it, maybe not in-depth, but I can at least talk about it. Maybe I just needed the blog time to get things straight in my head or to organize my thoughts? *shrugging* I don’t claim to know WHY it works, it just does for me. Blogging gets most things out, and the things it doesn’t? Well, once again… I guess they weren’t meant for everyone else to know anyway. I might handwrite you a ten page letter. I’ll leave little notes here and there. I dig cards. I dig email. I dig IM. For some twisted reason though, I can't talk. I can’t sort what needs to be said and what could go without saying, and just spit it out. I wanna… especially the good stuff. Maybe I’m just a chickenshit? There’s a fine line between telling people how you feel (ie: knowing just what to say, how to say it, etc...) and saying too much and ending up feeling like an idiot for doing so. Maybe I’m just lingering on the safe side of the line by saying far too little. Maybe I just need to relax. I've noticed that when I’m having an utterly great time, I'm making a point of making sure that I'll remember EVERYTHING. Like… everything’s that being said, the looks on people’s faces, every little detail, etc… Sometimes I’m too busy sponging everything up that I forget to like… interact a bit, or I dunno… BREATHE? Haha.
A couple of friends of mine have been up, down, through the ringer, and back to the start, and they talk about EVERYTHING. When I’m on the phone with her, and she’s telling me about their conversations… WOW. Even when things are shitty, they’re talking about how they feel about everything, the good and the bad. And each of them knows exactly where they stand. Kinda makes me feel like I’m “broken” or that there’s something wrong with me. Because there ARE those times when there’s so much in my head that I’d love to be able to just TELL someone what's I'm thinking. I can be sitting right next to them, looking at them even, and I can’t spit out a damn thing. I can’t just SAY what I feel to save my life. Arrrrg! It's aggravating. It's not like that moment's gonna be made better by me grabbing a pen and piece of paper and running into the other room. “I’ll just be in here for a few hours writing you a letter. OK? I'll see ya then?”
So, yeah… what I think I’m trying to admit here is that I think I’m socially retarded. Yeah... just love me for it. It's a character flaw.
Missed a Panic Attack show last night. I ended watching Dirty Dancing again though... for the 10, 573rd time. I hate when you SEE a movie coming on, you know exactly WHAT movie's coming on, you know you've seen 10, 572 times already and really don't want to watch it again, YET... *remote in hand* for some unknown reason, you don't/won't/can't change the channel. One of my favorite movie quotes ever came from that movie though... I was only gonna watch until that point, but ack!... I ended up watching the entire movie, and once again... CRYING at the end. *shaking head* I seriously need help. Haha.
"I'm scared of everything! I'm scared of what I did, of what I saw, of who I am. And mostly... I'm scared of walking out of this room, and never feeling again in my whole life... the way I feel when I'm with you." - Baby
The Atomic Punks are playing 20 minutes from my house this weekend. FREE SHOW. Their show calendar is filled with Cali, Vegas, Cali, Vegas, AZ, Cali, Vegas, and then all of a sudden St. Charles, MO??? WTF? I have to work this weekend, which means that clocking in @ 6AM on Sunday morning might suck after a night at the casino, but fuck it. I’m SO THERE.
I’m in the process of finding a lawyer due to the fact that my son’s dad is being an ass. I hate that it’s come to this. My sons are such good people; they don’t deserve this kinda crap and I always feel like I’ve failed them in some way when this sort of crap comes out of nowhere like this. I’m not going to get into it all here, or elsewhere for that matter. But… it’s all SO unnecessary, and the fact that I’m having to do this at all makes me feel all icky and white trash… arguing about child custody and shit? Ugh. He left a hostile and somewhat threatening (Yep! Threatening!) voicemail. I cried. Not about the threatening part, oddly enough, I’m not worried about that part at all. The fact that a human being can be THAT angry and speak to someone else with such animosity and hatred, let alone ME when I’ve never been anything but accommodating to he and his family, it was just overwhelming. I almost felt sad for his stupid ass. Being “grown up” wouldn’t suck as bad if other adults would be grown ups too.
There's some other stuff I wanted to get out today (like... the time off that I requested, Tara's birthday & me just being a shitty friend, the new Faith and Tim vid, lil' Gene & school, etc...) but it’s going to have to wait for another day. I’ve got stuff I need to go take care of.
Have a great weekend, everyone!!
Lu
Current Mood: Give up the Hostess cupcake!
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